The Dumb Decade
They are Killing Us but They are Our Boys After All…
This conspiracy began its life when this scribe noticed a smirk on Mufti Muneeb-ur-Rehman’s face as he urged Pakistan’s armed forces to take action against those deviant maulanas in Peshawar’s Qasim Bagh mosque, who were trying to spoil his moon-sighting party. “Take strict action against them, like you did against those evil-doers in Swat.”
The conspiracy was further confirmed by comments posted by serving army officers under a video of an interview with a suicide bomber. (Has anyone noticed that these boys who get arrested and then confess always look like kids on drugs? And I always thought no true druggie would ever carry ammo on his body, let alone use it… “all those noises, man…”) The most insightful answer that the suicide bomber gave was to a question about whether he has thought of getting married. “Why should I marry one when there are 72 of them waiting for me on the other side?” Then the interviewer raised the question about innocent children becoming victims of suicide attacks. “What makes you think children are innocent?” The bomber definitely was well trained to question our lazy truisms.
But the comments under the video were more revealing.
“Amazing,” someone has written.
“These guys have such strong resolve, I wish they would show their resolve to India and liberate Kashmir.”
Amazing, indeed.
There is a lot of well-funded academic research that is trying to prove that there is no link between the ulema karaam who fight over moon sightings and suicide bombers, that there possibly can’t be a connection between the rants of a wannabe martyr and their online admirers, that our middle-class begums who have recently discovered hijab and Bukhari Sharif don’t really have a secret crush on our boys in the mountain. It’s all about discovering your identity and showing the world the true face of Islam (by hiding your own face that is). But since this is more of a theory than conspiracy, we’ll let the academics decide this one.
Meanwhile faced with such existential riddles you obviously turn to Slovenian philosophers for answers. That’s why…
General Kayani Has Been Reading Zizek
General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani
This old joke comes from philosopher Slavoj Zizek, who nicked it from Freud, who probably stole it from one of his hapless patients. But this perfectly sums up General Kayani and his security establishment’s attitude towards the country they are supposed to serve:
(1) I never borrowed a kettle from you,
(2) I returned it to you unbroken,
(3) The kettle was already broken when I got it from you.
“Such an enumeration of inconsistent arguments, of course, confirms exactly what it endeavours to deny – that I returned a broken kettle to you…” Zizek.
Caught between Zizek and Maudoodi, sometimes they tend to do things which have tragic consequences.
The Year of the Soldier
The only thing that changed for the soldiers in this year was that more of them died. I mean, many more soldiers died in The Year of the Soldier than those who died in years which were not The Year of the Soldier.
Continued . . .
The opinions expressed in this article and the views shared by readers in the comment forum below do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance or policies of Newsline.
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This has to be one of the most brilliant articles I have ever read. Hilarious and so true! And extra points for the Zizek reference.
Fantastic! Hanif, sir, you’re brilliant man! Loved the bit about Zaid Hamid-him being an effeminate Che Guavera and Hafiz Saeed on acid LOL
superb!
Love your writings!!!
Mr. Hanif, this is a phenomenal piece of writing! People like you give me hope for a better Pakistan!
One word. Bravo.
[...] rarely act to improve their lives. And for me this thinking is fatalistic and directly connected to the widespread misinterpretation of religion in the country. The poor thank Allah (swt) for whatever they have, consider themselves fortunate, [...]
[...] By Mohammed Hanif Newsline, Jan 24, 2010 How Maudoodi Revived Pakistani Cinema In a decade when the world fussed over slumdogs and swine flu, Pakistan’s proudest cultural achievement was a film called Khuda Ke Liye. [...]
Good points however what are the solutions? It is great to point out the problems in our society (which are in most countries anyways) and I am kind of sick and tired of people continuosly bragging about the issues in our society yet never present a solution. Misery LOVES company. Many people love to talk to about their problems and glorify it however never spend even an hour talking about the solution. In order to make Pakistan a better country we have to think about a solution rather than rambling on and on about the same problems.
I don’t disagree with the article or the blogger however I think it is not a great article because it doesn’t present any solutions. Good and Bad people are in every country. I am not saying do not highlight the issues, however also present the public with a solution. Where do we go from here? What is the blogger doing to improve Pakistani society? I will end it with this quote:
No matter who we are, we are creating an influence which is felt by others. They may not know us, but our respect for law, our attitude towards life, our enthusiasm or negativism are felt by others. We build or destroy society in our own way by how we live and think ~ Man of Steel and Velvet by Aubrey Andelin
Great observations
A piece I was not intending on reading but couldn’t stop once started. Loved it! At least something different from all the depressing articles published in the newspapers. Which reminds me of the fact that Pakistan is 8 points up in the corruption list!
Anyway, great work!
That is best. I only have a request that please please write in an easy way of english so that we the lay person can understand not only the words but also the style:)
I couldnt have said it better but alas how much of the population would even grasp a shred of the content of this article?
Trouble with Pakistan is the people who are sdmired the most are then ones talented with a verbal skill even if they are bereft of any intelectual ability..
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